Self-love Requires Self-discipline

Browse social media for any length of time, and you’ll see it: “self-love.” It’s a word/phrase that seems to be gaining a bit of steam in our culture. That’s not just conjecture, either. The topic of self-love has been trending upward according to Google Trends since 2016. 

I would never go as far as to say this is a bad thing, necessarily. I think it’s a great thing that people are becoming more aware of the current state of their mental health, or are at least willing to try. This allows for more open discussions about such topics, which will hopefully lead to more people looking for help. Unfortunately, this is where the gospel of self-love often fails.

If you were to do a quick Twitter search for “#selflove,” what you would find is a lot of the same thing: selfies, people claiming to put themselves first, cutting out “toxic” people, people treating themselves to a nice meal or experience. I’m not here to criticize that. I think being comfortable and confident in your own skin is a great thing. Distancing yourself from people who bring you down can be a healthy practice. Enjoying the blessings that you have been given is absolutely necessary. I encourage all of these things, but only as first steps to true love.

So what’s “true love?” Often times we confuse “true love” with the Hallmark or Disney representation of it. We only focus on the romantic moments, or the good times. How many relationships come to an end when the good times become more scarce? Regardless of your worldview, I think we can all agree that’s not a true love. A true love is a sacrificial love. One that’s willing to be there in the midst of the storm. 

I’m not so sure if our culture’s particular brand of self-love leads to that. More often than not, our self-love begins and ends with us. One could argue that isn’t love at all, but what good is criticizing it without a solution? So what is the solution?

Chocolate Pudding.

Let me explain…

One evening, I was having dinner with my family. It was quite a grand meal, as it usually is when my step-mother cooks at home. We had a Filipino dish that’s name I can’t pronounce, let alone spell. As with most Filipino meals, we also had a lot of rice. Before the dinner, my 5-year old sister had a yogurt pouch, but I don’t think that ruined her appetite. In fact, when we finished our meal and made our way to the couch in the living room, my sister made her way to the refrigerator. She wasn’t done. 

She’s not quite tall enough to reach the upper levels of the refrigerator where the snacks are stored, but she is still small enough to be able to climb the shelves in the refrigerator. She closed the large stainless steel door, and made her way into the living room, with yogurt pouch and chocolate pudding snack pack in hand. 

“You don’t need that,” I said. “You just ate dinner, and were snacking before dinner. You can choose one.” Disappointed, she walked back to the refrigerator to make what seemed like the hardest decision she’s had to make thus far in her life. She could only keep one. She chose the chocolate pudding. 

This lit a spark in me. One I’m not sure I’ve ever had. There’s been glimpses of it in my life, but now I felt like I could see the entire picture. 

“I am the biggest hypocrite,” I thought. How can I sit here and tell her how to control what she eats, when I don’t abide by those same standards? Whenever I want something, I get it. It can be food, sweets, entertainment, etc. I’ve been like this my entire life. While I don’t blame my parents for it, it definitely stems from the lack of discipline as a child. I don’t mean not being spanked. I got my fair share of those. Even still, I was a pretty well behaved child… for the most part. This instilled a trust in me for my parents, and therefor, they were pretty lenient on me. So I ate, watched, and sort of did whatever I wanted to.

I’m 28 years old now, and I’m finally seeing how that affects me as an independent adult. I’ve been able to take care of myself, but I’ve never really TAKEN CARE of myself. The past 9-10 years of living by myself has been nothing but coddling myself.

A lot of the negative aspects of my life, including my anxiety, depression, and obesity, can be tied back to my lack of self-discipline. You can’t discipline yourself out of anxiety and depression, but you can give yourself a better chance. We all know our diet, activity level, hydration, and sleeping patterns pay a major roll in how we feel, but how many of us actually apply that knowledge to our own lives?

A lot of us feel like this kind of self-discipline feels like torture, but like my sister with the chocolate pudding, even though she hated it, my hope is that she doesn’t see satisfying every want is actually what she needs. We live in a culture of “more.” We want more food, more sugar, more alcohol, more money, more sex, more stuff. Is that what we need, though?

Lately, my life has been about learning how to do more with less. I’m now waking up earlier each morning, scheduling out my days, filling up on water, snacking on veggies instead of sweet or salty things, eating cleaner, controlling the proportions of my food, meditating every morning, reading every night, digging into scripture every day, and more. 

When you really lay it out like that, it sure doesn’t look like less. It actually might be a bit overwhelming. It’s more of the things that I know will actually benefit me, not just today, but tomorrow as well. It’s less of the things that the world and our culture tell us will make my life better. It’s simplifying my daily habits, so that way I’m not tempted by excess. 

I’m trusting that I don’t need much, and the things that I truly need God will provide.

“Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?”

— Matthew 6:26 ESV

Everything else is a bonus. I’m not saying you can’t treat yourself to something nice, but make sure you have the right perspective of that thing. Don’t confuse something you want for something you need. Just because we want something, doesn’t mean it’s good for us, especially if you have it in excess. 

The good news is, when you get that straightened out, those things you want, those special treats you give yourself, become that much better on the other side of obedience. I’m a peanut butter cup snob. I’ve always hated imitations of the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. After many days of not having any sort of sweets or deserts, I decided to reward myself. As I got to the store, I saw the Russel Stover sugar free peanut butter cups. I purchased those instead of the Reese’s, because as I said before, I weighed my wants and needs. Also, if I happened to like them enough, that would be my special treat for myself moving forward. 

As I got in my car, I opened one of the peanut butter cups and took a small bite. It was an almost euphoric experience. In that moment, I felt so accomplished, and satisfied. Not necessarily because the peanut butter cup was so good (I did love every bite of it), but because immediately, I was so confident that I could truly make these changes in my life, and it wasn’t going to be torturous. I truly appreciated how good that peanut butter cup was, but it didn’t feel like something I needed. The feeling almost verged on guilt, if I’m being completely honest. It was like I didn’t feel worthy of it. 

Isn’t that how you want to see the world though? Loving yourself through self-discipline allows you to be in awe of even littlest things. Rather than trying to hoard more stuff, don’t you want to appreciate what you have or what has been provided even more? 

Sometimes we need to drop “tough” in the middle of “self-love.” That “self-tough-love” allows us to sacrifice some of those more materialistic or nonessential things, so that way we can make room for more of the good. When we see how blessed we are, and how most of us are given so much more than we need or deserve, it’s easier for us to share that with others. Even if it’s just sharing the joy that you have, or making yourself more available to the people you love.

I’ll leave you with this; my favorite verse is 1 John 4:19. “We love because he first loved us.” That’s the point. We shouldn’t “self-love” because we just want to feel good or feel better. We should “self-love” because we ARE loved. In that realization, we are empowered to love others, and give them what “stuff” can’t offer. That, my friends, is true love.

Attention is NOT Affection

We’ve all heard that voice in our head say, “no one cares.” The good news is, you’re not crazy and you’re not alone in that thinking. The bad news is, if you’ve told yourself this, chances are you have confused “attention” for “affection.”

In our ever-connected world, we have become accustomed to immediacy in all facets of our lives. We don’t have to go anywhere to rent movies, because we can get them directly to our TVs. We never have to wonder the name of that song that’s stuck in our head, because we can just Google the three lyrics we know, and boom, we have the original version and endless covers of it at our fingertips. This immediacy also sets an unrealistic expectation to our personal relationships.

Let’s take a look at the last time you made a post on social media. How quickly did you check to see how many likes it got? Did you get a notification telling you that you got a like, and then you checked the entire list of who liked it, even though you’ve checked that list every time someone liked it? Let’s not pretend it’s just about the numbers. Chances are, you’ve not only checked to see HOW MANY likes you have, but WHO is liking your post. When that one friend or romantic interest doesn’t like it, you immediately begin to have doubts about your relationship.

One of the most interesting memes in the past few years, is the concept of being “left on read.” The feeling of being “left on read” captures our struggles with “attention” and “affection” so well. If you don’t know, “being left on read” is simply sending a message to someone, you see that they have seen it, but then they don’t reply. We’re so quick to tell ourselves that person doesn’t care, isn’t interested, got bored, or that person just doesn’t like me.

This mindset and our need for constant connection doesn’t just affect our lives online, but it also affects our mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Social media doesn’t make us insecure, but it perpetuates and puts our insecurities at the forefront of our minds.

The moment that we aren’t receiving attention, we quickly assume that we have know affection. While attention is a crucial part of affection and a solid indicator of it, it isn’t the whole thing.

Think of a parent playing peek-a-boo with his/her baby. In that baby’s mind, that parent is magically disappearing and appearing again. You can see the look in that baby’s eyes when the parent covers his/her face. It’s a look of confusion, concern, and maybe a hint of sadness. Then when the face reappears, the baby is a jubilant as can be.

Eventually, you grow out of that. Your ability to comprehend the entire situation lets you know that your parent isn’t disappearing, but is just covering their face with their hands.

For many of us, we’re stuck playing relationship-a-boo. When we’re not getting the attention from someone we care for, we assume they don’t love us as much as we love them. Unfortunately, our culture and current state of social media doesn’t really encourage us to move past that mindset. 

I’m not the greatest son in the world. I don’t call my mother as often as I should, and I don’t see her as often as I would like, but even though I don’t hear from her, I never doubt that she loves me. Yet, for some reason, I hold the girl I’m dating or my friends to a hire standard.

I’ve also done this throughout my life as a Christian. If something doesn’t go my way, or I’m struggling, I think about why God doesn’t appear to be present in that struggle or solving my problem. Then the questions of “is He even there” or “does He even care” begin to come up.

So how do we fix this? 

““Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel” (which means, God with us).”

— Matthew 1:23 (ESV)

With Christmas coming up, I think a lot of the name “Immanuel.” The act of God becoming man and living as the ultimate sacrifice, to reconnect the bond between God and man that had been shattered through His death and resurrection, is the most beautiful act of affection. Yes, it meant that God was paying attention to the Jews and Gentiles of the time, but the love and affection of that act echos into eternity. 

You haven’t been forgotten. The lack of attention doesn’t mean you’re alone, because there has been an overflow of affection that should quench any thirst. While our love doesn’t match the love of God, know that we were designed in His image, and therefor our love isn’t purely defined by the attention that we give. Stop playing peek-a-boo, and know that just because you don’t see that attention from your friends, partner, spouse, and God, doesn’t mean they aren’t there and love you dearly.

5 Steps to a Successful Social Media Fast

If you’re reading this, you probably have some sort of understanding of the negative affects that social media has on our mental health. Our goal in this article isn’t to tell you about those, but if you’re interested in reading more about that, check out this article from Forbes.

Chances are, you’ve landed on this page with some sort of interest in taking a break from social media. So here are some very practical tips and resources to help ensure a successful fast.

Understand WHY

I’ve wrestled with my weight for quite some time, and often, I will get on a bit of a health kick and completely change my diet. When that happens, I lose a bit of weight, look a bit better, and feel a bit healthier. This perception leads to me acting against what I know is true. Even though I am relatively healthier, that doesn’t mean I am healthy.

When I start to feel the weight and pressure of social media and the anxiety and depression that causes, I quickly delete the apps on my phone and declare that I am taking a break. The problem with that is, much like my dieting, as soon as that perceived weight has lifted a bit, I think it’s okay to hop back in. Immediately, I get caught back up in a vicious cycle.

We shouldn’t base our social media fast purely on feelings. We shouldn’t be fasting just to “feel” better. We SHOULD be fasting to BE better. We SHOULD be fasting from social media in order to focus on deepening our relationship with God, our friends, family, church, and community.  We fast because we understand that there is something so much greater than what we are giving up.

“Then the disciples of John came to him, saying, “Why do we and the Pharisees fast, but your disciples do not fast?” And Jesus said to them, “Can the wedding guests mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them? The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast. (Matthew 9:14–15 ESV)”

Jesus’ explanation to the disciples sums the whole purpose of Social Media Fasting so well. The disciples weren’t fasting because they were with their “bridegroom.” The time for fasting came when they were deprived from Him. When they needed to reconnect and focus back on Him. 

For us who claim to be Christians, we have to realize that we often replace prayer and communion with God, with likes and retweets. A social media fast is a great way to give up, give back, and return to a joy that only Christ can offer. 

Set a Goal

There’s a reason devotionals, bible studies, and sermon series have a set length. There’s a goal to reach and something to be achieved. The first step in keeping ourselves accountable is to set a timeframe. Your social media fast doesn’t have to look like or last as long as mine. Maybe it might last longer.

The best way to set a goal is to find some point in your calendar, and have that be the moment you allow yourself to return to social media. You can take a one week break, a two week break, or maybe even a whole month. Whatever you choose, try to stick to it.

Get Someone to Keep You Accountable

We often confuse abandoning social media for abandoning the world. It’s quite the opposite. Rather than focusing on the masses, focus in on your personal relationships and allow those to flourish. 

Prepare Yourself and Your Friends

Here’s a very practical problem: if you’re not on social media, how can people get ahold of you? Believe it or not, our phones served a purpose before Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook. Feel free to give your contact information to your friends and family and let them know that’s how they can get ahold of you.

You don’t have to view this fast as shutting yourself out from the world. You’re taking this time to eliminate distractions and focus on what/who is most important in your life.

Also, if you feel like you need to make an announcement for your break on your Insta stories, Snap stories, or just a general post, you can click the buttons below to save an announcement post that you are more than welcome to use!

Constantly Remind Yourself of the WHY

You may have noticed that the WHY section was the longest. There are two reasons for that: 1: I’m getting sleepy and my brain is running out of gas. 2: The WHY is the most important.

We often forget our purpose and the purpose of our actions. Everything we do should be to serve our purpose of loving God and loving others. Hopefully, taking a break from social media can help remind you that YOU ARE LOVED. 

During this time, surround yourself with people who care about you and want to see you experience Christ’s love to the fullest. Take time and dig into the scripture. Trust me, if you’re no longer on social media, you have some time that you didn’t have before to receive God’s word. 

As a bonus practical resource, feel free to click the button below to save a background image for your lock screen on your phone. I hope and pray that it reminds you of the love that God has given us, the blessing that YOU are to someone in this world, and that you have the ability to share that light in the darkness.

YOU CAN DO THIS.
Godspeed. 

Don’t Tell Anyone

In my 24 years of life, no one has ever characterized me as quiet. Myers-Briggs will tell you I'm an extrovert to a tee, and I'm sure my mom would agree. I've never been one to keep to myself, at least I wasn't before my battles started.

The other day I was playing volleyball with a group of friends when suddenly one of my friends fell down and couldn't get back up. She had clearly rolled her ankle and was trying to process what was going on. She looked up at all of us, saw our concern for her, and said something very striking: "Don't look at me."

She was clearly kidding, and we all laughed it off, but to a degree I think there was some truth in what she said. It's very common for people to keep to themselves when it comes to pain. There's a certain shame in our culture that comes with admitting you need help. And for many of us, the cost of embarrassment far outweighs the benefit of getting the help we need.

It's three years ago. I'm a senior at the University of Kentucky, supposedly living my best life. I'm sitting in my house with one of my roommates when he said it:

"You don't seem yourself lately. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just a little tired, that's all."

When my depression hit, that was my number one way of explaining it. I didn't want to get into all the details, and I didn't want to burden anyone. All semester I felt this loneliness, this vast emptiness in my soul that convinced me I would always feel this way. And even worse, I felt like I couldn't admit that I wasn't okay.

And there was a reason I felt this way that goes beyond the simple sociological reasons. At the time I was the president of a campus ministry at UK. To many people I imagine I was a super Christian who didn't have problems, and if I'm honest, I wanted to keep up that facade. Even "worse," I had just finally surrendered to ministry. I quit a dream job, and God gave me a passion to preach, so I surrendered.

Almost immediately, the depression hit stronger than I've ever felt. When I was a kid, I had short seasons of sadness, but nothing like this hopelessness. I was going to bed at 8pm, only to awake at noon with no desire to live. I would sit in class and not be able to think straight. My own thoughts condemned me. I felt alone, like even if I could muster the courage to talk about it, no one would really understand.

I can't tell you how much I would love for the next part of the story to go something like this: "But that's when I met so-and-so, they told me this-and-that and everything changed from then on." But depression is less of a problem to be fixed and more of a reality to fight. I still go through my seasons, but God is more faithful than I could ever imagine. I realized that depression is not a punishment for something bad I've done, rather, it's a reality that forces me to cling to Christ as my only comfort.

If you're reading this and you feel how I felt, the number one thing I want to tell you is you need to tell someone. They won't run away, I promise. Don't bottle it up in your small group, open up and ask them for prayer. If you try to tackle anxiety and depression on your own, you will fail every time. But when we confide in others, something beautiful happens. They might not have the perfect answer that wraps your situation in a nice, neat bow, but they'll be present, they'll listen, and that will make a huge difference to hear your feelings vocalized.

In conclusion, this should remind us of the gospel. We're all out here trying to do it alone, pretending we’re okay when we’re so clearly not. God reminds us time and time again that on our own we are sinful, depraved people. And it's not until we give up on ourselves and cry out to Jesus for help that we see change. So if I have any advice for you it's this: give up. Swallow your pride. You're not bigger than your depression. You can't overcome it by sheer willpower. Cast your anxieties on the Lord, trusting that He loves you enough to give you comfort in those times of trouble.

When you're in a rough season, don't bottle it up. Let your anxieties out to those you trust, and, in honesty, trust God with your fears. He's big enough to take them on.

In Christian love,

Jonathan Thiede.

Your Steadfast Love, O Lord, Held Me Up

“When I thought, “My foot slips, your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.”

— Psalm 94:18 ESV

Wrestling with clinically diagnosed anxiety or depression is a constant reminder that we WILL slip. While that can be scary, it’s also a beautiful reminder of God’s love and faithfulness to us. 

If you find yourself being tossed and turned by the waves, remember that it’s not STRENGTH that sees you through, but it is the HOPE we have in God’s LOVE that will be our anchor.

Rejoice and Weep

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”

— Romans 12:15

There’s this common misconception that Christians aren’t supposed to “feel sad,” but we are actually called to not only bare our own burdens, but also the burdens of others. In Romans 12:12, Paul calls the church to REJOICE in HOPE, be PATIENT in TRIBULATION, and CONSTANT in PRAYER.

For those of us wrestling with anxiety and depression, it can be very easy to push others away. Don’t be discouraged in that and “give up” on us. Remind us of the hope we have in Christ, be patient with us, pray with/for us, and while you might not understand what we are going through, there is strength in knowing we aren’t alone in our suffering.

The Difference Between Losing Control and Giving it Up

I don't remember what year it started happening, but by the time I was in high school, Christmas became a really difficult time of year for me. Part of it had to do with my parents separating, and learning how to master that balancing act. That wasn't "it," though.

I didn't feel joy. I felt alone. Even in a crowded room, all I could see was myself and all of my imperfections. This didn't stop in high school.

For over a decade, when I would dust off my winter coats and sweaters, I also dusted off this sense of dread and hopelessness. As I have gotten older, I've made myself more aware of this, and learned how to better deal with it... or so I thought.

Losing Control

The fall and winter of 2017 will forever go down as one of the greatest and worst times of my life. I was working as a youth pastor at the church I had been serving at for nearly 7 years. What we had in that ministry felt special, and I will always look at that as a once-in-a-lifetime kind of moments. I saw lives change in the name of Jesus every single week. I was so thankful for what God had managed to do to, through, and around me.

But it wasn't enough.

Even in the midst of seeing the Kingdom grow, I started to lose control. Not of my ministry, but of myself. I couldn't find joy in anything I did. Tears would fall night and day, and I could not understand why. 

One night before youth, I sat alone in the youth room, and stared at this massive board that all the kids who had come through the youth room had signed. I stared at it and wept. Overcome by God's goodness and my failure to find joy in it. I followed my calling, and all I felt was pain. How could this be my reward?

A friend and member of the church, Shiela, walked into the room, and saw me in my broken state and prayed with me. I don't remember the prayer, but I remember her and her heart. She believed in me, much more than I believed in myself.

For the next few months, my condition worsened. I could barely function throughout the day. My decision making declined. There wasn't even an ember of hope. Taking my own life became a constant consideration. There were two moments in particular that it nearly happened.

I lost control. I knew that I was going to lose everything else if I didn't act. So, I finally sought professional help.

Giving Up Control

By the time this happened, it was too late. Not too late for me, my life, or my faith, but it was too late for my life as I knew it. As I slowly tried to pick up the pieces of my mental health, the rest of my life was dust in the wind. 

It took hitting rock bottom, and making even more mistakes, for me to see that I should have never been in the driver's seat of my own life. I was lost, with no destination, and low on fuel. I needed to be in the passenger seat, allowing someone else to be my guide. ( I just now realized this sounds WAY too much like "Jesus, Take the Wheel")

The Difference

Losing control only leads to chaos, but giving up control leads to order. As I lost my ability to lead youth and a congregation, I found an ability to follow Jesus. I found an ability to trust the Holy Spirit to guide me. I found an ability to be thankful and joyous for the Provider and the provision. I also found an ability to build a team that would help keep me accountable, and build me up.

This doesn't mean I don't fail. I do often. This doesn't mean I don't hurt. I do often. The only difference is that I see that failure and pain, and trust that it all counts as my living sacrifice to the Glory of God.

“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.”

— Romans 12:1 ESV

My hope, and prayer for you, is that if you feel like you are losing control, pump on the brakes, pull to the side of the road, and look for help, guidance, and direction. I pray that you give up your control, and allow your family, friends, pastor, church, counselor, doctor, and/or therapist to get you back on track.

YOU CAN MAKE IT, AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT ALONE