The Difference Between Losing Control and Giving it Up
I don't remember what year it started happening, but by the time I was in high school, Christmas became a really difficult time of year for me. Part of it had to do with my parents separating, and learning how to master that balancing act. That wasn't "it," though.
I didn't feel joy. I felt alone. Even in a crowded room, all I could see was myself and all of my imperfections. This didn't stop in high school.
For over a decade, when I would dust off my winter coats and sweaters, I also dusted off this sense of dread and hopelessness. As I have gotten older, I've made myself more aware of this, and learned how to better deal with it... or so I thought.
Losing Control
The fall and winter of 2017 will forever go down as one of the greatest and worst times of my life. I was working as a youth pastor at the church I had been serving at for nearly 7 years. What we had in that ministry felt special, and I will always look at that as a once-in-a-lifetime kind of moments. I saw lives change in the name of Jesus every single week. I was so thankful for what God had managed to do to, through, and around me.
But it wasn't enough.
Even in the midst of seeing the Kingdom grow, I started to lose control. Not of my ministry, but of myself. I couldn't find joy in anything I did. Tears would fall night and day, and I could not understand why.
One night before youth, I sat alone in the youth room, and stared at this massive board that all the kids who had come through the youth room had signed. I stared at it and wept. Overcome by God's goodness and my failure to find joy in it. I followed my calling, and all I felt was pain. How could this be my reward?
A friend and member of the church, Shiela, walked into the room, and saw me in my broken state and prayed with me. I don't remember the prayer, but I remember her and her heart. She believed in me, much more than I believed in myself.
For the next few months, my condition worsened. I could barely function throughout the day. My decision making declined. There wasn't even an ember of hope. Taking my own life became a constant consideration. There were two moments in particular that it nearly happened.
I lost control. I knew that I was going to lose everything else if I didn't act. So, I finally sought professional help.
Giving Up Control
By the time this happened, it was too late. Not too late for me, my life, or my faith, but it was too late for my life as I knew it. As I slowly tried to pick up the pieces of my mental health, the rest of my life was dust in the wind.
It took hitting rock bottom, and making even more mistakes, for me to see that I should have never been in the driver's seat of my own life. I was lost, with no destination, and low on fuel. I needed to be in the passenger seat, allowing someone else to be my guide. ( I just now realized this sounds WAY too much like "Jesus, Take the Wheel")
The Difference
Losing control only leads to chaos, but giving up control leads to order. As I lost my ability to lead youth and a congregation, I found an ability to follow Jesus. I found an ability to trust the Holy Spirit to guide me. I found an ability to be thankful and joyous for the Provider and the provision. I also found an ability to build a team that would help keep me accountable, and build me up.
This doesn't mean I don't fail. I do often. This doesn't mean I don't hurt. I do often. The only difference is that I see that failure and pain, and trust that it all counts as my living sacrifice to the Glory of God.
“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.”
My hope, and prayer for you, is that if you feel like you are losing control, pump on the brakes, pull to the side of the road, and look for help, guidance, and direction. I pray that you give up your control, and allow your family, friends, pastor, church, counselor, doctor, and/or therapist to get you back on track.
