Attention is NOT Affection
We’ve all heard that voice in our head say, “no one cares.” The good news is, you’re not crazy and you’re not alone in that thinking. The bad news is, if you’ve told yourself this, chances are you have confused “attention” for “affection.”
In our ever-connected world, we have become accustomed to immediacy in all facets of our lives. We don’t have to go anywhere to rent movies, because we can get them directly to our TVs. We never have to wonder the name of that song that’s stuck in our head, because we can just Google the three lyrics we know, and boom, we have the original version and endless covers of it at our fingertips. This immediacy also sets an unrealistic expectation to our personal relationships.
Let’s take a look at the last time you made a post on social media. How quickly did you check to see how many likes it got? Did you get a notification telling you that you got a like, and then you checked the entire list of who liked it, even though you’ve checked that list every time someone liked it? Let’s not pretend it’s just about the numbers. Chances are, you’ve not only checked to see HOW MANY likes you have, but WHO is liking your post. When that one friend or romantic interest doesn’t like it, you immediately begin to have doubts about your relationship.
One of the most interesting memes in the past few years, is the concept of being “left on read.” The feeling of being “left on read” captures our struggles with “attention” and “affection” so well. If you don’t know, “being left on read” is simply sending a message to someone, you see that they have seen it, but then they don’t reply. We’re so quick to tell ourselves that person doesn’t care, isn’t interested, got bored, or that person just doesn’t like me.
This mindset and our need for constant connection doesn’t just affect our lives online, but it also affects our mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Social media doesn’t make us insecure, but it perpetuates and puts our insecurities at the forefront of our minds.
The moment that we aren’t receiving attention, we quickly assume that we have know affection. While attention is a crucial part of affection and a solid indicator of it, it isn’t the whole thing.
Think of a parent playing peek-a-boo with his/her baby. In that baby’s mind, that parent is magically disappearing and appearing again. You can see the look in that baby’s eyes when the parent covers his/her face. It’s a look of confusion, concern, and maybe a hint of sadness. Then when the face reappears, the baby is a jubilant as can be.
Eventually, you grow out of that. Your ability to comprehend the entire situation lets you know that your parent isn’t disappearing, but is just covering their face with their hands.
For many of us, we’re stuck playing relationship-a-boo. When we’re not getting the attention from someone we care for, we assume they don’t love us as much as we love them. Unfortunately, our culture and current state of social media doesn’t really encourage us to move past that mindset.
I’m not the greatest son in the world. I don’t call my mother as often as I should, and I don’t see her as often as I would like, but even though I don’t hear from her, I never doubt that she loves me. Yet, for some reason, I hold the girl I’m dating or my friends to a hire standard.
I’ve also done this throughout my life as a Christian. If something doesn’t go my way, or I’m struggling, I think about why God doesn’t appear to be present in that struggle or solving my problem. Then the questions of “is He even there” or “does He even care” begin to come up.
So how do we fix this?
““Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel” (which means, God with us).”
With Christmas coming up, I think a lot of the name “Immanuel.” The act of God becoming man and living as the ultimate sacrifice, to reconnect the bond between God and man that had been shattered through His death and resurrection, is the most beautiful act of affection. Yes, it meant that God was paying attention to the Jews and Gentiles of the time, but the love and affection of that act echos into eternity.
You haven’t been forgotten. The lack of attention doesn’t mean you’re alone, because there has been an overflow of affection that should quench any thirst. While our love doesn’t match the love of God, know that we were designed in His image, and therefor our love isn’t purely defined by the attention that we give. Stop playing peek-a-boo, and know that just because you don’t see that attention from your friends, partner, spouse, and God, doesn’t mean they aren’t there and love you dearly.
