Another Victory

I’ve been waiting to write this for quite sometime, and honestly, I’m not sure if this is the correct time for me to do so. Truth be told, I don’t think there will ever be a “correct” time. So, instead of waiting for a time that may never come, let’s just take this leap together, and I’ll just deal with the repercussions accordingly. 

The first time I remember experiencing these feelings was around the fourth or fifth grade. It was time for recess after lunch, and while all my friends went to play in the playground, I sat with the teacher who was on duty. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I don’t know. I feel sad, but I don’t know why,” I sheepishly responded.

“Are you depressed?”

I didn’t know what that meant at the time, but it didn’t take long for me to become very familiar with that term and that feeling. Over the years, my episodes of depression became more frequent, and more severe. 

Fast-forward to 2017

I wasn’t scared, worried, or intimidated at first. I’ve experienced this battle before, and I’ve always managed to win; it was just a matter of time. I was so confident that I would make it through with little or no effect on my life. I’ve never been more wrong.

The latter half of 2017 was a complete blur. It was a homogeneous mess of brokenness and sorrow. Unfortunately, the damage had been done by the time I realized that I desperately needed help. 

I won’t go into the details of how my path changed so drastically from December 2017 to January 2018, but I had never experienced a scarier or harder time in my life. While I’d like to say that I’ve made it through it, the battle isn’t over yet. 

As I sought help for my depression and anxiety, I developed a passion and desire to help others through the same thing. I couldn’t wait to “get better” and tell people how they could do the same. 

Here I am today, and unfortunately, I still don’t know when or if I will “get better.” I realized that, there might never be the “correct” time to help or fight for others suffering from similar conditions. 

After a productive day of work, and a visit to my favorite coffee shop (Foxtrot Coffee), I returned to my apartment and said to myself “I won the battle today. Today was another victory.”

There’s an amazing moment in the movie Cool Hand Luke, where Paul Newman’s character gets in a fight with the biggest and baddest inmate. He didn’t stand a chance in this fight. There was no way that you could say that he “won” the fight.

But he didn’t ever give up. It wasn’t about landing the punches or taking his opponent out. He was just determined to get back up on his feet, and take whatever punishment was coming his way. 

This was the turning point for Newman’s character in the film. He garnered the respect of his fellow inmates and those who saw him as inferior. His relentlessness was his victory.

As I continue my war with my brain and my chemistry, I’m trying my best to see each day and each moment as its own battle to win. While I might not know when the war will end, every time I make it back to my bed, or every time I wake from my sleep, I know that I gained another victory.

Some days have been absolutely amazing. I can’t express how much I enjoy my new job and the people that I work with. At the same time, I miss where I was for the past seven years of my life. The weight of the sorrow that I bare at times is hard to deal with, but even if I’m beaten to a pulp, I get up again.

and again.

and again.

and again.

Until my heart stops, I will never give up on getting up, and I’ll continue to stack victory upon victory.

Whatever it is that you are dealing with, I hope you can do the same, and take joy in knowing that every breath you take is another victory.

Forever and Always Yours,

Nico Cuevas